He whistled at me with his stupid phone.

(It’s fun to look back on some old writing. This was written in 2005, when not everyone and their dead hamster had iPhones yet.)

This morning a random man wolf whistled at me. He used his phone. He literally whipped out his thing and pointed it at me, and the phone whistled. Then he put it away and watched my expression. I did what any sane woman in the Post Office on a Wednesday morning would do – I ignored him.

Never mind that I attract older weirdos, let’s focus on the phone for a moment. That’s a new one that I must say I have never before witnessed. Instead of saying something, following me out to my car, or just generally trying to make eye contact and share a ‘moment’, he was so bold as to whip out his technological device and whistle at me. In public. In front of a postal worker and several patrons no less.

I heard him speak to someone there, so I know he had a voice box and a tongue with which to form a “Hello, gorgeous!” or something equally as baleful. Okay, so maybe he wouldn’t just say “Nice knockers” or “How about some coffee – in bed?”

But then again maybe he would have if he weren’t so busy trying to impress me with a phone. Do I look like I could be so easily impressed? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, “Please, all weirdos, try to impress me with whatever is in your pants!”

But maybe I do. Maybe I have sunk so far; let myself go that much. Did he even LOOK at me? My saddlebags are better than the leather version. I could hold a week’s worth of water in the hump on my back. My hair hasn’t seen the stylist in eight months. I slapped on some eyeshadow to hide the graveyard tan I am working on, and I was wearing a jacket I stole from my mother! Is this village really so small that I am considered a high caliber gal?

I want to go back to that Post Office, find that man, and whip out my own phone. Look! I have my own! I want to know why he thought his will impress me so much. I want to know what school of romance and social education did he go to that taught him whistling at a woman – by phone or otherwise – is acceptable today. I want to know that he looked at the same person I saw in the mirror this morning.

Also, I wonder if I can get the whistle installed on my phone.

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