The most ironic and possibly tragic thing about my not trusting penis and the men attached to them is that my kids are all boys. Birth control has not been kind to me.
Did you know boys have penises? I’ve never had one and all they’ve ever given me is baggage. What the hell do I know about raising penises other than what I was taught at slumber parties? I don’t think it’s the same kind of raising we’re talking about.
And boys make everything about penis. Songs. Jokes. Family photos. You should have seen my last Christmas card! I got listed on Megan’s Law for that one, but it was worth it, naked kids are funny.
Note to self:
You have BOYS. Check all pics for compromising angles or other references to their “boy bits” before posting them publicly. After all, you have a joke about just that thing. Photobombing with their penis is popular and sometimes accidental angles lead to embarrassing explanations. Remember just last year you posted a pic of your 3-year-old on Facebook posing by his block castle, which ended up looking like you intentionally gave him a huge wood penis.
I have four boys now aged six through 18 years and they’ve all had penis issues or penis fun at every age and stage. You have to get them to stop talking about it, showing it around, and to only yank in when they have “private time”.
It’s all about getting them to use their penis the right way when they’re little, never to use it against someone, and then getting them to not use it when they’re older. Three years after having a baby boy you’ll be teaching him how to not catch his in the zipper on the way up and 15 years after his birth you’ll be teaching him not to get caught with his zipper down.
No matter what age they are you have to teach them not to stick their penis where it doesn’t belong.
Like a two-year-old needs to know not to stick it in my water glass. That’s a true story.
A teenager needs to know not to stick it in a virgin.
Even these older guys need to learn where not to stick their penis. Like how you have to teach them not to stick it in your friends. Or your ass.
Penises are weird little things too. I mean, they grow, they shrink, they stand up before you do in the morning, and they’re equally as awake at 4 am as they are at 4 pm. They pee, they have sex, and they wave at you. Though I think they have self-esteem issues because they look down a lot.
I’m really jealous of boy children for what they get to do with theirs. They can color it, dress it up, nickname it, paint with it, point it at people, and talk at length to strangers about it. Oh, the delightful things you can do with your penis! My friend’s son has tried to use his penis as a stylus on the iPad. Now that’s using your brain, son.
As a woman and mom of four boys, you think you’ve seen everything you will ever see about a penis until one day your two year old stretches his penis out and wraps it twice around his fingers. I was kind of jealous. That’s a good party trick, yo! I mean, imagine if my vagina could do that…
But after four kids it probably could.